Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
