he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize