I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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