I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
