In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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