I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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