you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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