After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
