it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
