I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
