Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
