i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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