I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
