I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
