I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When did angry sex become our thing?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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