Apparently you make a good broom.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We had sex on a dog bed..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
