**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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