So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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