Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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