She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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