Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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