It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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