I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
