You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
