The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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