I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
