Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
