I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
