I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
