between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
