We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
