She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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