Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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