I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
