Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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