the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
