Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
