I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
