Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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