I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
