omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
