so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
