i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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