So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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