Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
