As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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