I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
