I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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