Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
