They should really pass out barf bags in church
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
