Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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