i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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