How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
