I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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