Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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