we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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