Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
