Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
